Have you Ever … Anaesthesia Edition

(continuing my occasional series of weird and wonderful things that never, seriously, never, happen to me)

Background: On Friday I had a Day Surgery visit to our local hospital for some surgery – gynecologically speaking – to have some non-cancerous polyps, who’d ignored my post-menopausal cease-and-desist order, removed … I’m fine now, except that I think I may have offended the Goddess of Post-Surgical Bowel movements, (Poopsalotia) by celebrating my lack of extreme evacuations just a tad too early. C’est la vie – good times’ll get you in the end!

Anyway, on with the show …

Have you ever … undergone general anesthetic, and then woken up from a dream where you had a pack of Viking warriors kneeling around you, on some long-forgotten battlefield, holding you down while they pulled a very large spear out of your throat …

… and then you realise that in all the times you’ve experienced general anesthetic (14 times to date – mostly knee surgeries) you have never dreamed at all or hallucinated, or whatever it was, and had only gone from, nowhere, to hearing the post-op nurses asking you your name …

… and then you realise that your throat feels like it’s been turned inside out …

… and then you figure that you woke, or were woken, just a little bit too soon and the surgical team were still taking our that tube they stick down your throat, and your Vikings were the team holding you still while the process was completed?

Nah .. me neither!

Sailing away

Sailing away

-oOo-

A reminder that my ‘The Last Dragon In London’ giveaway is running until the 12th September. Entry is by simply leaving a comment on THIS post

Now, this is my kinda Viking music …

 

Have You Ever …The Write Stuff of 2021

(continuing my occasional series of weird and wonderful things that never, seriously, never, happen to me)

… been struggling to write anything of significance for the entirety of 2020 and came up with bupkis, but just for laughs on the 8th of January 2021 you decide that, by-gosh-and-by-golly, you will write 3,000 words on a new story every writing day (not every day but the one’s designated as writing days)

… and by the end of January you’ve settled into a steady rhythm of writing 2,000+ words every day, and not only are they words that form congruent sentences but they’re good words …

… and one night you have a particularly brilliant scene pop into your mind fully formed  …

… and by the time you’ve finished it’s three-o-clock in the morning and you still need to wind down so by the time you actually do get into bed it’s nigh-on 4am …

… and just as you’re falling asleep another scene pops into your mind, only this one’s not quite so well-formed so you decide you can get away with just making notes on the notepad that you take everywhere with you these days, without getting out of bed again and possibly disturbing your spouse who’s asleep in the next room and who’s not sleeping well at the moment anyway …

… and you reach across your bedside table to find a pen because the one you were using has run out of ink and you bump your lamp and send it crashing to the floor …

… and you get out of bed, pick up the lamp (it’s still working) and your pen, which has rolled under the bed …

… and get back into bed, get your writing tools reorganised, and knock over your bloody lamp again?

Nah. Me neither.

Have You Ever …  The Eyelash Edition

(Sometimes it’s the little things that trip me up, so I started this series last year – when ‘normal’ wasn’t the punchline of a very bad joke)

Have you ever …

… put on your glasses first thing in the morning and have one of the arms break off …

… and you search high and low for another pair of the same lens strength, but you can’t see a bloody thing because your glasses are broken … so you wear the broken ones until you find another pair …

…  and you put the new ones on and they’re OK for a little while … but you think there’s something on one of the lenses, so you take them off and clean them …

… and then you realise that these new glasses sit higher on the bridge of your nose and your eyelashes on one, (and one only) eyelid are brushing against the glass, EVERY TIME YOU BLINK …

One eyelash …on one eyelid

One eyelash …on one eyelid

… and because you’re conscious of this now, you start blinking even more …

… until finally you can’t stand it any longer and you decide that the offending eyelashes need to be trimmed, so you get the scissors and peer at your eyes in the bathroom mirror …

… but you have to take your glasses off to trim the eyelashes, but you can’t see without your glasses … so you poke the scissors up between your eye and glasses lens, but your lizard brain tells you this is a DANGEROUS thing to do and your eyes tear up and you can’t see what you’re doing anyway …

… so in the end you take your glasses off, hold the scissors horizontally and when you feel them touching your eyelashes, you gingerly snip at something and hope for the best?

Nah, me neither

Happy Glasses

Happy Glasses

 

Have you ever … A Lesson in Gastronomy …

… licked your fingertip and picked the crumbs off your plate because 1 – you’re an adult now and you just can and 2 – you know that the crumbs of what you just ate contain the distilled essence of all that is good and fine in the world?

Nah, me neither.

Shortbread - shorts, or breads, or cookies?

Shortbread – shorts, or breads, or cookies?

Ginger Snaps ... before and after

Ginger Snaps … before and after

Mrs Widds cuts the mincemeat with apple - means you can have more than one, even if you're not doing quality control

Mrs Widds cuts the mincemeat with apple – means you can have more than one, even if you’re not doing quality control

AllysNotebook Ginger Ale fruitcake recipe - still warm from the oven

AllysNotebook Ginger Ale fruitcake recipe – still warm from the oven

Have You Ever … Gets Weird …

Time is weird

Time is weird

… been busy minding your own business when suddenly whatever it is you’re doing feels like it’s a déjà vu moment from your past but you remember it happening in a dream so it’s really a forward déjà vu moment because it actually hasn’t happened yet and so you start spinning your wheels about the meaning of time and you feel like you have a new understanding of time-travel and maybe you could use it in a story so you open Scrivener but another program you’ve been waiting to update finally finishes and your computer needs to do a restart and you automatically click on the restart button and the fleeting time-travel idea you just had has now disappeared but you think you might find it at some point in the future because a déjà vu and time-travel are the same thing?

Nah. Me Neither

-oOo-

It was either this or the Time Warp song from the Rocky Horror Picture Show, but I’ve always had a soft spot for this song after I accidentally started watching a spooky horror movie called Fallen, in which this song features heavily …(I usually avoid horror movies like the plague but this one had Denzel Washington in it so I thought it might be … interesting – it was

Have You Ever … Encore Presentation …

A sad and sorry sight

A sad and sorry sight

… dropped a can of WD-40 and accidentally knocked the nozzle off while you were working on a winterizing project in the back yard and even though you looked everywhere for the little bugger you couldn’t find it so you carried on without it for the next couple of hours then went inside with your spouse for bracing cups of tea (Widds) and coffee (Mrs Widds) while you got your evening meal together and then as you were kicking back in your armchair sipping your beverage you looked down and saw the nozzle in the cuff of your track pants?

Nah, me neither … but Mrs Widds did!!!

The dastardly disappearing nozzle

The dastardly disappearing nozzle

Have You Ever … Again …

Continuing the theme I began with the ‘pants on backwards’, I bring episode II of …

Have you ever …

… tried to turn off a light switch, and because you’re all excited about a thought you had when you were in the bathroom and you were buzzing by at a thousand kilometers an hour to reach your desk to write it down before you forgot it because you actually did forget the notebook you always keep in the bathroom, and you keep on missing the switch over and over again until you literally can’t hit the damn thing no matter how hard you try and you start laughing so hard you almost pee yourself even though you just left the bathroom and you still can’t turn the switch off?

Nah, me neither.

 

(I can’t believe I actually came across a video of someone turning off a light switch. You can find anything on YouTube if you look hard enough, and slightly concerning is the fact that finding this one didn’t take me all that long at all)

P.S. Wonder of wonders, after all that I did remember what my thought was!

Have you ever …

… been so tired that you put your pants (trousers) on backwards and didn’t even notice until you were at Costco and tried to put you hand in your pocket to get your handkerchief and couldn’t find your pocket?

Nah, me neither!