The Numbers Game

I’ve settled into a place, adjacent to where my Spirit finds equilibrium. Hardly any news-chasing, once a day really. Daily needs are met, and I’m feeling the stirrings of creativity. They don’t last, not yet, but I feel the day coming when they will.

I have one little quirk going on though. Each evening at around 11pm I open the Johns Hopkins Corona virus/Covid-19 site and log the confirmed cases numbers and compare them to the previous evening’s tally. Just the confirmed cases. I know if I did the same thing with the deaths, my still fragile and vulnerable ability to see my way clearly through this would not survive the immersion.

What solace I find in this, I’m not sure of. Perhaps it connects me to the stark reality of what our entire species on this planet is going through, especially because of how physically isolated I am here on our little island in the middle of a lake.

Oh, and one other quirk. I catch myself wrapping the fingers of my left hand around my thumb, most of the time without realising it. Not quite a fist, more of a protective gesture, because there are times when all I want to do is curl up in a ball and stay there.

Why am I telling you these things? I want you to know that no amount of peppy/supportive/uplifting videos, or tweets or facebook posts or ‘lifestyle’ articles is going to keep the grief and fear every one of us is feeling, (to greater and lesser amounts at any given time, it ebbs and flows) at bay for ever.

There IS a monster stalking us, and to deny our minds and bodies the ability to express those feelings is to give the monster another way to threaten us.

I’m not saying go dig potholes in your front yard, (well, maybe I am, a little bit, so long as you don’t have any close neighbours) but allow your body, your mind, your spirit, to tell you what it needs from you, your conscious mind.

Embrace the quirk … go crochet yourself some toilet paper.

Re-usable as well!

Re-usable as well!

 

Also … because I’m also feeling hopeful and sentimental…

25 comments on “The Numbers Game

  1. Ellen Hawley says:

    Crochet some toilet paper! Why didn’t I think of this?

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Sue Vincent says:

    I do think we need to feel able to express how we feel… and we have, all too often, had that ability trained out of us. But we do need to allow ourselves a smile too… not every minute of every day is grim.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I have exercised that left thumb quirk all my life – much to the amusement of Jackie πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  4. quiall says:

    My Father loved Vera Lynn. It makes me cry to hear her voice. And yet they are healing tears. Never deny your feelings. We all need to cry a little or even a lot. We need to acknowledge our fears and our vulnerability. Noticed I said ‘we’. We are not alone. We are together in this as the world has never been together. And WE WILL get through it. Then we can compare our battle scars.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. A.S. Akkalon says:

    That first paragraph struck a chord with me. I think I’m a little way behind you, but headed in the same direction. I’m down to checking the news about five times a day (rather than constantly), and I’ve managed to spend snatches of time thinking about things other than the pandemic.

    My creativity isn’t twitching yet, unfortunately, but I’m hoping it will soon.

    On the positive side, I’ve discovered stand-up comedians on Youtube. Who knows, perhaps their crudity will help get me through this.

    Stay safe from the monster.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. cagedunn says:

    There are a few reasons to not shove the thumb inside the closed fist:
    One, it damages the joint and the price will be painful thumbs later (arthritis or similar)
    Two, if you hit someone with that thumb in there, the risk would be breaking the thumb at the main flexion joint.
    Three, it’s often a sign of ‘hiding oneself’, and although I don’t know where the original for this comes from, it’s often used as a tool when assessing people with depression – those who hide the thumbs are withdrawn.
    I’m not sure of any of these things, but I do know that when I learned martial arts, the thumb is crucial as it’s a weak point, easily damaged, and represents the inner thoughts.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Labrys says:

    Free expression is so necessary to sanity ALL the time; in crisis denial of the freedom is deadly – leading to despair. Also, foolish as it sounds, I feel a spiritual component in my similar numbers check – a sort of solidarity with families undergoing this illness, death, and grief. I am thinking about re-instituting a practice I once did three times a week at the height of that latest wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. I would enter a meditative state and envision myself as a radio broadcast from the tip of the Washington Monument to each state in turn. My entire β€œbroadcast”? The Bene Gesserit β€œLitany Against Fear”! Does it work? Did anyone β€œhear”(feel) it? I will never know – but on the chance that someone might, I’m thinking it could be a good β€œmagic” for now.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. TanGental says:

    it was all going so well until… the crocheted toilet roll. If that ever becomes a thing, I’m afraid I may have to resort to my own PCP – personalised constipation programme – which frankly is enough to pandemic everyone. I do hope you can see a little light soon, whether inside the tunnel or out…

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I enjoyed reading your post. I have never managed the skill of crochet, I could knit a ‘garter stitch ‘ toilet roll. πŸ˜€

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Crochet toilet paper!! This seems some kind of perfect thing for the times

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Steve Hurley says:

    Incredible to think that Vera Lynn is still going strong at the age of 103 !!

    Liked by 1 person

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